I’ll admit that there is little else more perverse than a vampire swoon. Sure the people that are into feet or furries or flanges are freaking weird, no doubt. But I think it is pretty difficult to beat lust for a dead person that will always want to “hit that” and by “that” I mean your tasty, tasty arteries.
But I can’t help myself. According to askmen.com, they’re the ultimate bad boys, raging against the machine from Dusk til Dawn. I tend to dig upon them, because they are intriguingly duplicitous. They are the only guys on the planet to figure out the masculine edge to lacey Victorian cravats. They uphold the virtues of chivalry, but will also acknowledge their special lady friends as intelligent and independent women. They are loners that crave togetherness. They are “death dealers” that feed on life. They are always incredibly strong, but incredibly sensitive. Mmm mmm mmm.
So where’s the “suck” in this edition of That Sucks Thursday? I’ll tell you what sucks (other than the immense desire I have to use an extremely predictable pun). These guys:
Junkie1’s top 5 non-lustworthy, only in my nightmares “icky vampires”…read on if you dare!
1. Willem Dafoe as Max Schrek, Shadow of the Vampire
Now there’s a set of bedroom eyes, that’ll send you cryin for your mommy.
2. Danny Huston as Marlow, 30 Days of Night
Great, I just poo’d myself.
3. Al Lewis as Grandpa, The Munsters
One part pedophile gaze to two parts creepy old man smell
4. Tony Curran as Marcus Corvinus, Underworld Evolution
With that nose, he’s the buff Michael Jackson of the Vampire community. Baby, the way you make me feel–it DOESN’T turn me on.
5. Richard Roxburgh as Count Vladislaus Dracula, Van Helsing
Ricky, Kristen Stewart called. She wants that messy up-do back.
Gary Oldman as Dracula, Dracula
Sugar, you had me at hello…
… and then you lost me
…and then you scared the shit out of me