I had two options when I started Food Week:
A) delight you with delicious delicacies of the silver screen for seven days or
B) delight you for three days, then make you want to hurl only to delight you once more.
WWJ1D? All I can say is if you don’t know me by now…(mini-ode to Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes/Simply Red for you non-music geeks).
Today, I present to you something that sucks…big time, and is certainly not truly scrumptious: The Most Disgusting Food Moments in the Movies!!! ::Dun-dun-duhhhhhhn:: …Don’t worry, I’ll start you off nice and easy.
A Fish Called Wanda
No, thanks moment: Otto eats the live contents of KkkkkkkKen’s aquarium (including the eponymous angel fish) and shoves some ketchup’d chips (fries) up his nostrils. Fish and chips. Get it?
Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist
No, thanks moment: Caroline. Gum. Barf. Public toilet. Gum. Mouth…in that order. Nuff said.
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
No, thanks moment(s): Austin drinks a warm, and rather nutty, cuppa joe (aka Fat Bastard’s poo). Speaking of Fat Bastard, his “love” scene with Felicity Shagwell is topped off with him eating fried chicken and rubbing chicken grease on his man boobs. ::shudder::
The Road to Wellville
No, thanks plot point: Cereal? Yes! Poop fixation? No. Anything that ruins cereal is the devil. Jus’ sayin’
No, thanks moment: Speaking of cereal, the scene where everyone celebrates Kane’s recovery with a group cereal/leftover feast starts out so munchie-inducing…until the alien baby bursts from his chest and sprays his blood all over everyone. Thanks, Cameron.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
No, thanks moment: Excuse me Mr. [Jones], but did we have to watch the monkey brains/snake baby feast? Also, while not technically food-related, the bug scene makes me want to barf every single time I see it. So that sort of counts, right? ::twitch, twitch::
Icky pies: American Pie, Thinner, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
No, thanks moment(s): Sophomoric pie humping makes me not want apple pie ever again, but maybe it’s just the endless sophomoric pie humping jokes the film spawned. Cue nice segue: Thinner begins, because a dude runs over an old gypsy woman while his classy lady friend is all…handsy with his bits. Massive gypsy-curse weight loss ensues and the only way to stop it is to make a gypsy pie from your own blood and feed it to another. Ick.
There’s nothing better than venting, right? Getting rid of a bunch of all that stress and anxiety…by systematically murdering the bastards that caused you to go prematurely grey and having your demented/lovesick landlady bake them into shepherd’s pie for the masses. Well, that was Sweeney Todd’s plan anyway. I don’t know what’s worse–eating human meant pies or eating Sacha Baron Cohen-human meat pies?
Come to think of it, those last two movies lead quite nicely into the next three movies…ah, segues!
Cannibalist’s Delight: Soylent Green, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Rising, Shawn of the Dead
No, thanks moment(s): How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your [human] meat?! Little else compares to being fed processed and packaged Soylent Green by the government only to find out you’ve been chowing down on the impoverished populace of 2022 NYC.
That said, I’m sure the perfect paring for such a fleshy feast would have to be some fava beans and a nice Chianti!!! Hannibal the cannibal is definitely one of the most deranged villains in movie history (though he’s nearly one-upped by the skin suit making, bits tucking Buffalo Bill). The sickness doesn’t stop there, the 2007 prequel Hannibal Rising makes things worse by existing (…oh, snap!), er-I mean building on Hannibal’s continuous flashbacks to hungry soviets chowing down on his sweet little sister, Mischa Lecter. All zombie movies belong on this list, but I have yet to see anything as gross as watching the douchey David get ripped to bits by the ravenous denizens outside of the Winchester in Shawn of the Dead.
Brad Pitt, you bastard: Interview with the Vampire and Se7en
No, thanks moment(s): Sure vampires suck the blood right out of ya, but for some reason this movie only gives me the cringies when I have to watch Louis feast on all of those revolting rats and poufy (albeit irritating) poodles. Leave it to Brad to out do himself by bringing us an up close and personal look at each of the deadly sins in Se7en. At least they get gluttony out of the way early on, but the sight of that first victim…alls I have to say is too much food in too many orifices.
Real World Gross: Supersize Me, Roger & Me, and Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe
No, thanks moment(s): Morgan Spurlock wolfing down McDonald’s may seem harmless, until you see how it’s killing him. Oh and the best moment is when the food becomes too much for poor Morgan, and he barfs all over the place. Tasty. Allow me to wrap up with a few throwbacks:
1. Michael Moore’s interview with the (likely clinically insane) Flint, Michigan woman that definitely doesn’t raise rabbits for pets.
2. The slightly more comical look at visionary documentarian preparing and eating a little boiled sole food (aka his shoe) after he loses a bet. Not tasty, but still funny, insightful, and frightening–lets just say I have been threatening to “eat my hat” for too many things, and I don’t want to be made to pay the piper, as it were.
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