It’s one of those days. The kind where my mind is left whirling in a kind of tempestuous haze…that is if a haze can be tempestuous. What brought on this onslaught of doom? What put me in this dismal “glass case of emotion,” as my dear Ron Burgundy would say? A total douche bag.
There’s no need to get into the deets, just know the person in question is in fact this definition of a douche bag from the Urban Dictionary:
1. An object used for vaginal hygiene.
2. A person that is a total moron and doesn’t think before he/she speaks or acts.
3. One with an indescribable idiocy, hence stupidity, poor idea of what’s cool, possibly an arrogance about them.
4. One with an intolerable personality.
5. Personified by a Troll named Eniquity, that constantly trolls Darkpear forums, random smack talking emo n00b, filled with a false sense of self worth
Okay, so I don’t know this Eniquity bastard, but I can tell you that he is the spittin’ image of my most loathsome d-bag.
Anywho, this got me thinking…is there a way to see one of these parasites coming, or are you doomed to suffer their abysmal ways via some sort of sneak attack? I think you can see one coming a mile away, so I’ve decided to toss together a list of my most hated d-bags off the top of my head. Note: I’m talking characters only here, because I don’t want to slam any real people. D-baggery does not beget d-baggery.
Bill Lumbergh (Office Space)
“Yeee-ah. It’s not a half-day or anything.” It is my firm belief that anyone that stretches out the annunciation of a word is a d-bag. As is anyone with their own parking spot.
Rolfe (The Sound of Music)
One of the most weasely Nazis ever set to celluloid. A total douche–he pedals his way into Liesl’s heart, ditches her for the Führer, and squeals on her family as they’re trying to escape. (Second biggest Nazi bastard in the movies: Noah Wyle’s character in Swing Kids…RIP, Arvid).
Jeffrey Lebowski – The Big Lebowski (The Big Lebowski)
The Big Lebowski is the personification of “the man.” If it wasn’t for his greed and deceit, Donny would still be with us! Runner-up: Little Larry Sellers.
Lancelot & Guinevere (First Knight)
How can you stab a perfectly adorable King Arthur (aka Sean Connery) in the back by having an affair, and then wuss out when time came to tell the truth? I don’t know who is worse, Lancelot for doing that to his mentor and wanting her to run away with him or Guinevere for cheating on Arthur and ditching Lancelot to boot. Note Julia Ormond pulls the same shenanigans in Legends of the Fall. What’s up with that?
Gollum/ Smeagol (The Lord of The Rings)
Do I really need to provide a description here? He’s a crazed little backstabber, that makes fun of the ever-loyal Samwise Gamgee. Don’t be a douche to Rudy!!
John Gage (Indecent Proposal)
It’s high time you all know that I hate Robert Redford, and it’s all because of this role. I think I must have been very impressionable when I first saw it, but he was such a douche that I can never see him as anything else.
The dudes that shot down King Kong (King Kong any)
I have my own beef with people that didn’t appreciate Peter Jackson’s King Kong reboot, but the real jerks were those dudes that gunned him down in the street as it were. And it doesn’t matter which iteration of the classic tale you are watching those guys are douches. Just like the peeps that ganged up on Frankenstein’s monster and Edward Scissorhands! How could you?!
The whole of 1930s bourgeois society (City Lights)
Arguably one of my favorite movies of all time, the Chaplin classic really gets me pissed when you see how prejudiced and cruel people are to the sweet little tramp.
Natalie Sands (Girls Just Want to Have Fun)
All Sarah Jessica Parker wanted to do was have some goddamn fun, Natalie! Why did you have to ruin everything by calling her dad? Oh right, because it was the 1980s, the greatest time for all movie douches to rear their evil heads up…Sorry, I have a strong emotional attachment to this movie, and SJP.
Steff (Pretty in Pink)
Speaking of douches from the 80s, you know you’ve spotted a good one when you still want to clock him over two decades later. Toying with fragile Andy’s emotions, and puppet mastering the sketchy Blane…douche! I am more of a Team Duckie supporter anyway.
The Wizard (The Wizard of Oz)
I hate that guy! Great and powerful, my ass!
That dude from District 9
I wont say anymore than that as not to spoil it for those that haven’t seen this great great movie, but you’ll know who I am talking about when you do see it. That guy. is a douche.
I’ll stop there. Instead of being cathartic, this list is making me more irritated with the d-bag in my reality. Pfft! Well, let me know who really has stuck with you over the years as the most odious, Grade A douche bag.