It’s Banned Books Week. You might be thinking: Banned books, they still do that? Isn’t that just in countries with extremist governments? Unfortunately, the crusade to save the children from the likes of the “dubious” Mark Twain and more recently the “evil” Stephanie Meyer (Aussie elementary schools are banning Twilight) are alive and well. Don’t you think a book about celibate teens that romance over a copy of Wuthering Heights would sell like hotcakes? Look kids, a steamy romance for you to emulate! No touching! A book that proves our lame sex ed classes can work!
What are they thinking? Is it that the juvenile mind shouldn’t be subjected to the tame cursing of Holden Caufiled? Do they think simply reading the word “nigger” in any book is going to turn us all into cold-hearted racists? Or that Judy effing Blume’s Forever is going to cause all the kids to go have unprotected sex all over town?! I mean, these are the times of Grand Theft Auto, people! They are books! I guess you just don’t think your children need to learn about reality, history, and the human condition. ::Shakes fists::
Aspiring authors, whatever you do, don’t EVER take the lord’s name in vain, showcase any latent or manifested homosexuality, curse in any way, or allow any of your characters to engage in any kind of sexual activity. Oh and don’t plan a mini-break vacation with Salman Rushdie in Iran.
I predict much more sinister tactics in the future. In fact, we should ban authors with risque names, too–you know, for the kids. Here’s a few that would be on the chopping block if the crazies got their way:
- Charles Dickens (and Emily Dickinson)
- Jennifer Wiener
- Philip K. Dick
- Karen Marie Moning
- John Updike
- Honore de Balzac
- Neil Gaiman
- Alexandre Dumas
- Oscar Wilde
- Dean Koontz
- Joseph Heller
- Nick Hornby
- Margaret Anne Doody
- Gillian Beer
- (more like “High as Sin”)
P.S. They are keeping an eye on you,!
Imagine it! Poor little Sally and Johnny might wander through a Borders and see WIENER in huge type across the cover of a book! Nooooooooo! Better yet, parents, you should discourage your child from reading at all and have them work on their book/cd burning skills.
Silly, right? That’s how you look, book banners. See this list of authors that have been challenged or banned over the years. Some are pretty surprising (Ray Bradbury, Madaleine L’Engle?!).