Aw Hell Nah Real Estate, Inc.

Yeah...I'll get right on that.

So, I finally saw Zombieland…and it was gooey (and hilarious). After that and the trailer for The Crazies, I’m thinking my place ain’t so bad. Don’t get me wrong, usually the movies make me wish I could jump through the screen and set up shop in Oz, Wonderland, Pemberly, and a plethora of schmany NYC apartments/London flats. It does beg the question: would Zombieland really be the worst place I could think to visit/live? Here’s what I came up with:

Oracle Mountain, Near Sparta – 300 (2006)
No way in h-e-[double hockey sticks] would I ever go within 100 feet of that creepy perv infested nudie mountain. And should you ever find yourself  on that mountain, whatever you do don’t take the drugs, or you’ll find yourself being licked by some pretty unsavory creatures.

Prosperity, Arizona – Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
I think this one is a given, I can barely tolerate a teeny-tiny spider scurrying across the walls of my house, who would want to live within a thousand miles of any place infested by giant poisonous spiders.

Canaima, California – Arachnophobia (1990)
Okay I know… more spider towns… this is the last one I promise. But seriously I think there is a good reason that we should thoroughly search all imports from Venezuela, mother-effing super killer spiders. Lets all just invest in giant cans of Raid.

Travis County, Texas – Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
I think we all can agree there is no creepier place than a rural town anywhere. Much less one filled with inbred cannibalistic psychos. No thank you.

The Appalachians of West Virginia – Wrong Turn (2003)
Speaking of inbred psychos, it’s probably best that we all just avoid the Appalachians as a whole (::cough:: The Descent ::cough). I mean nothing good ever happens there, cinematically speaking. Queue creepy-ass banjos.

The Top 5 after the jump…

Perfection, Nevada – Tremors (1990)
Aside from the remoteness, the town itself isn’t so bad. I’m sure there are some rather creepy crawly spiders there, but nothing like the two ‘spider’ places on the list. The shitty part about this town is the Graboids that live below it. So unless you like spending time sweating it out on the roof, then Perfection probably isn’t for you.

Glen Canyon, Arizona – Evolution (2001)
Again… nothing wrong with the town itself. It was just the really unlucky recipient of a meteor from another planet. Who wants to live in a place filled with vomit-baby flying lizard thingys and fuzzy no-nosed chimps.

Anywhere on earth – Zombieland (2009)
I thought on it some more, and I definitely would not want to live in Zombieland. Fast moving Zombies are the worst, and the mere mention of clown zombies sends a certain J1 running for the hills.

The creature infested halls of the Elysium – Pandorum (2009)
There have been some pretty scary movies set in space. But usually the crew is semi in control of the ship. I cant imagine why anyone would want willingly board a ship where you need to get in a chryo sleep chamber. It never ends well, something inevitably always goes wrong and then you find yourself being hunted by albino flesh eating monsters. So when that invitation comes, I would maybe politely decline that boarding pass to hell.

Nome, Alaska – The Fourth Kind (2009)
Okay so this movie isn’t out yet, but the trailer freaks me out enough to avoid Nome in its entirety. That freakin owl face creeps me out every time!

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2 thoughts on “Aw Hell Nah Real Estate, Inc.

  1. Junkie1 says:

    Don’t forget about Klendathu (aka the home of the Bugs from Starship Troopers)!

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