Cosmically snubbed by “teh man”
Tis clobberin’ time!
Let me break it down for you. In case you are unawares, as it were, I’m engaged in a heated battle of cinematic proportions with my Uncle, Dubs, of the Cosmic Sitcom variety. Dubs claims my DVD collection “crap to quality” ratio must be calcu-ma-lated (based on one little bomb from my Netflix queue and a justified skepticism of Avatar). I tried to get Dubs to define “crap” so we could move forward in a fair manner, since it is my personal collection that is falling prey to his Damning Sneer™. It was ALL IN VAIN! He snubbed my attempt to play nice almost as fast as he snubbed my love for Paul “That’s Not a Knife” Hogan. He did concede to my Criteriata™ for Redemption, however:
- Success of the film’s dramatic (weeps) or comedic (larfs) intent
- *Production values
- Visual effects (if applicable)
- *Rotten Tomatoes and Netflix ratings
(*he added these)
We went through half of my collection between the hours of 12 and 1 am this morning or, as I like to call it, the fighting hour. Here’s my version of what happened:
- Out of 337 movies evaluated, 12 were deemed “crap”
- ^ That’s only 3%, so suck it
- While 12 were deemed crap, Dubs was inspired to select 12 to watch
- ^ That means all of the crap was nullified
- I am awesome, and also the only one crunching any numbers here
It might not be fair to go ahead and crown myself the winner of the first round, but let’s face it, it was over before it began. The problem with Dubs is that he wanted to get into it over a subjective topic. I humored him, as always. It’s really kind of cute to watch the increasingly exasperated look on his face boil over at the sight of Chris Kattan’s Corky Romano (or really any SNL alum-led farce), by the double whammy of not one, but two Broken Lizard comedies (Beerfest and Club Dread). Buck up, son, ’cause there’s more where that came from!
The point is, Dubs is committing the ultimate offense in Little Junkieland: snobbery. It’s a problem caused by the dreaded OVER-INFORMATIVITY! Dubs strong-armed the Rotten Tomatoes ratings into the Criteriata™ and I am opposed. It’s just another way to justify his point without A) defining “crap” and B) actually seeing certain movies. Judge not, lest ye screen it!
Surprisingly, in the face of Joe Pesci’s 8 Heads in a Dufflebag and Bronson Pinchot’s Blame it on the Bellboy, our biggest fight was over Lady in the Water. :: M. Night Fight! :: I think M. Night’s movies are unjustly pummeled by snobs the world over–snobs that inexplicably force-funnel all M. Night reviews through an Unbreakable screen. Let me also point out that the whole of the Criteriata™ were ignored in my futile attempts to notate the superb performances and sharp dialogue. Baby’s on the half tip! Translation: I said good day!
Also the “I’m telling Zrose egregious snubs” (for pot-stirring purposes only):
- Lake Placid
- Lightning Jack