The Don’ts of Swordplay.

After seeing the trailer for Season of the Witch, starring none other than Nicolas Cage (seriously!?) I decided I had to come up with a top ten list of Actors who should never ever be in Fantasy and Swordplay movies. So Junky 1 and I got brainstorming… here is what we came up with:

1. Nicolas Cage, Season of the Witch
No matter what kind of wig you slap on that head… I am not buying him as 14th Century knight.

Numbers two through four all come from In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. There are so many more people from that movie that should be listed but I tried to limit myself to three.
2. Jason Statham
Dude, he doesn’t even have a name… they call him Farmer! Seriously, WTF?
3. Bert Reynolds
Burt Reynolds? Its almost like he wandered onto the set and they threw a costume on him
4. Ray Liotta
I don’t even know what to say… it’s just wrong. I only want to see him in relation to the Mafia, never wizardry.

5. Robert De Niro, Stardust
Never again do I want to see you playing a nancy boy pirate, its just wrong.


6. Colin Firth, The Last Legion
Colin Firth, you are a lover not a fighter. A gentleman not a Roman Commander. I’m sorry Firthy, but I don’t see you being able to protect yourself much less a little kid against hardened warriors.


7. Richard Gere, First Knight
No. That is all.


8. Geena Davis, Cutthroat Island
Let’s put it this way, there is a reason she was in it (her hubby was the director), and there’s a reason they got divorced after (it kind of sucked).

9. Michael Cera/Jack Black, Year One
Oh lord! It’s a good thing this movie was a comedy, because the idea of either of these fellas wielding a sword for any reason is ridiculous.


10. Paul Walker, Timeline
This surfer dude would be so dead in the first 10 minutes “back in time.”

On the flipside…
People who on paper shouldn’t work but somehow do

  1. The Rock, The Scorpion King
    This just had disaster written all over it. But after actually watching it I have to admit, he pulled it off.
  2. Brad Pitt, Troy
    When I first heard about Brad Pitt being cast for this movie I wasn’t into it. But when I saw that glistening Achilles saunter onto the screen with his rippling muscles, my doubts were whisked away like the wind blowing through his golden locks.
  3. Tom Cruise, The Last Samurai
    Generally I don’t want to like Tom Cruise movies, but I almost always do. This was no exception. I couldn’t imagine anyone else playing this role.
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6 thoughts on “The Don’ts of Swordplay.

  1. Zrose25 says:

    Is it wrong that I kinda want to watch most of these movies after making this list? 🙂

  2. Zrose25 says:

    I’ve bought many-a-movie because of that man. 🙂 I can tell you the ones to avoid though… there are quite a few stinkers in his repertoire

  3. Samber2 says:

    This is a great site, I love the theme you are using. I Stumbled it for you and bookmarked it on Digg.

  4. Lowell says:

    lol, Tom is so funny! I love him.

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